Exclusive Interview: An Update from President and Fearless Leader Donald J. Trump
Confrontations, Cuts & Cars
Me: Welcome, Mr. President. It’s been awhile.
DJT: I’ve been very, very busy. Nobody has been busier than me watching my very good friend, the brilliant ELON, carry out the mandate given to me by the amazing American people to get rid of the wastefraudnabuse in government agencies that most people have never heard of. I love the people. I love all the people, but especially those who were smart enough to vote for ME, their FAVORITE president, so I can save our beloved, God-fearing country from the radical leftists who want to destroy it. I won in a landslide, just like I did in 2016 and 2020.
Me: Well, Mr. President, as you know, you won by about two million votes of the 152 million cast for either you or Vice-President Harris. Do you really consider that a mandate?
DJT: I got the most votes of ANY Republican presidential candidate EVER. More than the late, great Ronald Reagan. I even got more than Thomas Jefferson or George Washington, the father of our wonderful and very strong and very powerful nation.
Me: All that’s true, Mr. President. But, of course, the country’s population was much smaller when Jefferson and Washington won and women, African Americans, and others couldn’t vote. President Biden still holds the record for the most popular votes. He got about four million more in 2020 than you did in 2024.
DJT: He got more because that election was RIGGED! It was all a BIG hoax and a SCAM. How could Sleepy Joe ever beat someone like me? I have a much bigger, more powerful BRAIN than that stupid guy.
Me: Again, sir, those tallies are independently verified and widely accepted as accurate.
DJT: It’s all FAKE news. No president has ever been more popular than me. Same thing goes for the PHONY POLLS done by the left wing radical NUT jobs and Communist-Socialist-Fascists who HATE our great big country. They say I’m less popular now than when I crushed Comrade Kamalamala Bing Bang, but nobody has ever been as loved as I am. Nobody.
Me: Perhaps we should move on. You seem quite agitated.
DJT: I’M not agitated, YOU’RE agitated! You’re just like that pipsqueak Zelensky who complained that J.D. Vance—the greatest vice-president in the history of vice-presidents—was yelling at him in the Oval Office. Everybody knows Zelensky was the one yelling, while J.D. was just trying to make peace, not just in the Round Room…
Me: You mean, Oval Office?
DJT: Stop interrupting me or I’ll kick you out…
Me: Pardon me, Mr. President…
DJT: As I was saying before you interrupted me. You’re so rude. J.D. was just trying to bring peace not just to the OVAL OFFICE, but to Ukraine, too. But that tiny ingrate Zelensky yelled at him. He really hurt J.D.’s feelings. I could see it in his eyes. And you know what? That wanna be dictator hasn’t even apologized. No card. No flowers. Not even any raw earth. He’s such an ungrateful little man.
Me: When you say “raw earth” I assume you are referring to so-called “rare earth” materials that are relatively abundant in Ukraine.
DJT: Raw. Rare. What difference does it make? They both come out of the ground. Raw and rare only matter when you’re talking about one of my big, juicy hamberders.
Me: We seem to be looking back quite a bit so far. I’m sure you’d prefer talking about your plans moving forward. Besides the controversial—some would say, illegal—steps Mr. Musk has taken, are there any other new initiatives on the horizon?
DJT: We’re already changing government bigly by getting rid of the billions of dollars of wastefraudnabuse and that’s going very well. It really has been perfect. People are saying they’ve never seen anything like it. The DOGE team goes into an agency and does in just a few days what should have been done years ago. They’ve saved taxpayers billions of dollars and really, they’re just getting started. When they’re done the government will be unrecognizable.
Me: I’d like to push back just a bit. You just said the DOGE team’s efficiency efforts have been perfect and that billions have been saved, but there are dozens of lawsuits challenging DOGE’s authority and methods and Elon and his boys have repeatedly made mistakes tallying the alleged savings and have had to walk them back. That doesn’t sound perfect to me.
DJT: Look, Elon has already explained that it’s impossible to bat a thousand every single time. Even the late great Ted Williams only hit better that .400 once! I love Elon, but you can tell just by looking at him, he’s not a great athlete, so he’s never gonna bat a thousand.
Me: You understand, of course, that batting a thousand is just a metaphor for perfection. Elon wasn’t talking about actually hitting a baseball.
DJT: Of course I do. Elon grew up in South Africa. What the Hell do THEY know about baseball?
Me: Right. But getting back to the lawsuits and messed up tallies on the money they say they’ve saved, hasn’t the DOGE effort been a bit bumpy?
DJT: It’s been as smooth as a porn star’s—I mean a baby’s—bottom. The only ones complaining are the many, many people who were paid for their PHONY jobs and NEVER SHOWED UP FOR WORK and all the ones who are 140 years old collecting Social Security. It’s the biggest scam in history. It’s a Ponzi scheme and a SWEET RIDE for the old people and the cripples.
Me: Again, I want to challenge you a bit there. We’ve seen no evidence from DOGE that there were people in these agencies not coming to work, unless they were permitted to do their work remotely. And the stories about 140 year olds collecting Social Security were actually attributed to default settings in the Social Security computer system.
DJT: What the Hell are you TALKING about? Elon has said over and over that DOGE is doing GREAT. You don’t believe him? He’s the richest guy in the world. He’s brilliant. He knows how to count. He knows billions, even trillions. He knows all the very big, very powerful numbers. Numbers with so many zeros it will make your head spin. So, no. There’s no doubt everything he is doing and saying is 100% accurate, even if he’s not batting a thousand. A thousand is ten times bigger than 100, by the way. So, it’s SO MUCH bigger and harder. It’s just common sense that a few, little things might not work exactly perfect.
Me: And the lawsuits challenging DOGE’s authority and methods?
DJT: DOGE is ending the flagrant waste of taxpayer dollars and it is headed by Elon….
Me: Excuse me, but just a few weeks ago, in one of the lawsuits and from the podium in the White House press room, the Administration was suggesting that a woman named Amy Gleason was in charge of DOGE.
DJT: She’s in charge but Elon is heading it.
Me: So, is Elon in charge or is Ms. Gleason?
DJT: Nobody knows more about being in charge than Elon. All across our very big, very beautiful country, Elon’s TESLER charging stations are there just waiting to fill your car with very strong, very powerful American-made electricity. Some of them are SUPERcharging stations. So, yes. NEXT question!
Me: Hmmm. Alright. Getting back to my earlier question. Are there any other initiatives in the works?
DJT: Two more things we’re targeting very specifically and closely. One, we’re going to end the Liberal NANNY STATE RULES limiting speeds on our big, beautiful, very wide and smooth highways. Two, we’re getting rid of the very expensive and onerous requirements that cars must have things like seat belts and air bags.
Me: Really? Don’t speed limits and safety devises save lives? I mean, I’m looking at the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration website and it says safety belts saved about 375,000 lives between 1975 to 2017. More recent estimates aren’t available, but NHTSA says more than 90% of Americans use their seat belts, so they continue saving lives. Airbags save about 2,500 lives a year, on average, according to the NTSB.
DJT: Maybe so, but under our plan we’ll reduce the number of highway deaths faster and cheaper by getting people off the roads and to their homes, jobs, or entertainment venues faster. It’s really just common sense.
Me: Can you give me an example?
DJT: Look, it’s simple. If I can drive 120 miles an hour and the casino or bar or restaurant or club I’m going to is an hour away, I can get there in 30 minutes. If the government bureaucrats tell me I can’t go over 60, that leaves me on the road 30 minutes longer. That’s half an hour more where I could get in an accident. By getting to where I wanna go faster, I cut the risk in half, so I don’t really NEED the seatbelts or airbags. The money saved by eliminating seat belts and air bags can be used to put COMPUTERS in cars, like Elon’s amazing TESLERS! Nobody knows this, but when you sit down in the driver’s seat of a TESLER it’s ALL COMPUTER. I look at the dashboard and I ask myself, “Where’s the cigarette lighter? What happened to the radio and the eight-track?” And, by the way, whatever happened to those little triangle windows you used to open to let the air in? It’s all changed and now it’s all COMPUTER and it’s amazing and wonderful and we’re making American cars GREAT again.
Me: That’s an interesting perspective. Of course, if somebody is driving 120 miles an hour with no seat belts or airbags they’d very likely die in a crash.
DJT: It’s a personal choice. Like vaccines.
Me: But what if they crash into someone else?
DJT: Look. Just like I said when me and J.D. ambushed—uh, met—with that putz, Zelensky. What if a bomb drops on your head now? Life is RISKY. You gotta take some RISKS otherwise you don’t get anywhere. I’ve taken lots of risks. Trump University, Trump: The Game, Trump Vodka and Wine and Steaks, Trump Airlines, Trump Mortgages, Trump Magazine, Trump Hotels and Casinos, and, of course, Truth Social.
Me. Didn’t all or most of those business ventures go belly up? Didn’t they lose money?
DJT: Not for ME. And now me and my beautiful wife have launched our own, very special, very exclusive CRYPTOcurrencies, and investors are investing very strongly, very heavily, and we should be able to cash in on that just like all the other very, very successful and great Trump brand businesses.
My cologne business is doing very, very well, too. It’s been 20 years since I launched “Donald Trump, The Fragrance” and I keep expanding. I’ve added “Trump Success” and “Empire by Trump” and everybody loves them. So many people come up to me, some with tears in their eyes, BEGGING me to put on one—sometimes more than one—of my incredible colognes. It’s the SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS and since I’m the most successful businessman ever, they say I should put on enough to smell like that. It’s very touching.
Me: We’re just about out of time, but do you have any other initiatives you want to talk about? Any you really like?
DJT: We’ll, it’s not my idea, exactly, but I really like our great new FBI Director Kash Patel’s plan to use UFC trainers to improve our agents’ self-defense and martial arts skills. I’m a big, big fan of the UFC. Those fighters are so tough, so brave. I mean, they get in the cage—the big, beautiful OCTOGON—and beat the CRAP out of each other like real men and I think our FBI agents need to be just as tough, maybe even TOUGHER, than the UFC. You know, the UFC President, Dan White, is a very good, very close, personal friend of mine, so I’m sure we can make a deal where everyone gets what they want and the FBI is stronger and tougher and better. The guys—and it WILL BE JUST GUYS—trained by the UFC will be called SUPERagents, because they will be like SUPERmen who can do things you just can’t believe with their fists and arms and feet and legs.
Me: Do you have any idea how much the training will cost?
DJT: That’s up to Kash and Dan and maybe Elon. But I’m sure it will be a great deal for the American people and will make the FBI great and strong and powerful again.
Me: If you don’t mind, I’d like to go back to American cars for a sec. You recently purchased a Tesla, even though you’re not allowed to drive, and you said you bought your granddaughter a Cybertruck. Why electric vehicles? You have not always been a fan of them.
DJT: I bought the Cybertruck for a very special young woman, you know, I'm sure you've never heard of her, Kai. She’s a great golfer, and she puts the clubs in the back, and I guess it's a very safe deal, she loves it and it's very safe, it's very strong, heavy, it's all steel, stainless steel. I paid about $80,000 for it about a year ago.
I bought the TESLER S. It’s a great product and we have to support Elon and buy his cars and trucks and celebrate him because he’s a great PATRIOT who is being treated very unfairly. Nobody has been treated more unfairly than Elon, except maybe me.
Now the liberal lunatics are attacking and destroying TESLER SHOWROOMS, but that’s gonna end. Many people are saying the violence—the smashing of windows and doors and wrecking the beautiful marble floors, something that should NEVER HAPPEN IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA—should be labeled domestic terrorism and I’m gonna do that. That’s what I’m gonna call it because it’s a disgrace. I will do that. I’ll do that. I’m going to put a stop to it. Because they’re harming a great American company.
And I’m asking Republicans, Conservatives, and all great Americans to BUY TESLERS. Elon is putting it on the line to help our Nation and he is doing a FANTASTIC JOB! But the Radical Left Lunatics, as they often do, are trying to illegally and collusively boycott TESLER, one of the world’s GREAT automakers, and Elon’s “baby” in order to attack and do harm to Elon, and everything he stands for. Elon has lots of babies, seems like there’s a new one popping out somewhere in the world every day, but the TESLER is his favorite. So I bought a brand new TESLER, a big, beautiful, really fast and quick and nimble RED one as a show of confidence and support for Elon Musk, who is being so unfairly treated and PUNISHED for putting his tremendous skills to work in order to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.
Me: But aren’t the electric vehicles unreliable? I mean people say they don't go far and they cost a fortune. I’m just searching here for “things people have said about electric vehicles” and there are some really biting comments like, “You know, what happens if you are in the middle of the desert and you say, ‘We’re running low on electric. Do they have a charger around anywhere?’
Here’s another that says, “Maybe you’re planning a road trip from the SWAMP in DC to the SOCIALIST STATE OF MASSACHUSETTS to visit Senator Pocahontas and you say to yourself, ‘I'm going to Massachusetts.’ But then, you say to yourself, ‘Hey I better get myself a gas turbine because this car is not going to get me there unless I stop about four times."
Oh, here’s a very critical comment, claiming that President Biden was selling Americans "down the river with his ridiculous all Electric Car Hoax" and another that says electric vehicles are "the idea of the Radical Left Fascists, Marxists, & Communists" and that “within three years, all of these cars will be made in China." Do you think there’s any truth in any of that?
DJT: Nobody with half a brain who knows anything about electric cars or international trade, or Communism, Socialism, or Fascism, for that matter would say anything so ridiculous.
Me: But, Mr. President, those are all quotes from you.
DJT: (Long pause)
Me: Sir?
DJT: I’m for electric cars. I have to be because, you know, Elon endorsed me very strongly. So I have no choice.
Me: Thank you, Mr. President.
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