Exclusive: My Interview With President-Elect and Fearless Leader, Donald J. Trump

Fake News You Can Use

Me: First of all, congratulations on your victory.

DJT: As our great Vice-President JD Vance said, this is the greatest political comeback in the history of the world. The only thing that even comes close is the resurrection of Jesus. Both are miraculous and ordained by God.

Me: Speaking of miracles, how is the ear?

DJT: Completely healed. I’m a very fast healer. Years ago, my bone spurs healed really quickly, too. Doctors are amazed at how quickly I heal. They’ve never seen anything like it. It’s like I’m a super-healer. Of course, in this case, I might have been helped a tiny bit by the angel God sent down to save me. Everybody knows that angel wings are very powerful. Even though they are fluffy, they also very, very strong and very powerful. So, not only did my guardian angel change the bullet’s direction with her beautiful, fluffy white feathery wings, she also must have touched my ear. I didn't know, but people tell me angel wings also promote healing.

Me: How are you feeling otherwise, physically and mentally?

DJT: I’m in the best shape of my life. You know, most candidates gain weight during a campaign, eating all that fried chicken and ice cream. But I actually lost weight.

Me: Really, what are you down to?

DJT: Last time I checked, I lost about ten pounds, down to 205. I also grew about an inch, inch-and-a half. Nobody can explain it, but I think our father who art in heaven had something to do with it. He wants to keep me around for a long, long time.

Me: And mentally? The Democrats claimed you are having cognitive issues.

DJT: The Defeated Democrats are so dumb they couldn’t follow the weave. You know, the weave. Really smart professors who study language and words were amazed at how I could talk for hours and hours about so many different, seemingly completely unrelated and irrelevant things and then pull it all together into a perfect speech. I’m smarter now than I ever was.

Me: You have some big plans for your second term and are putting together a team to carry out your vision. In your first term, you said you’d choose “the best people” to help you, but a lot of them—including former Vice-President Pence—didn’t support your reelection. Some even called you a Fascist.

DJT: For some reason, I’ve had to deal with disgruntled employees my whole life. That’s all they are. They didn’t have the courage to do what was right so I fired them. I said, “You’re fired!” and they wrote their nasty books full of lies and made-up conversations, which is something I would never do.

Me: What will you do differently this time to make sure the team stays together?

DJT: I’m bringing together the best, most loyal and strongest people to carry out the public’s mandate. It’s interesting that the word “mandate” is made up of two words, “man” and “date.” It’s like the whole country has found their man—their favorite President, me—and they all want to date me. They love me so much and so do the really great people I’m bringing in to do what most real Americans want us to do, to Make America Great Again. Did you see that? Did you see how I did the weave there?

Me: Very impressive, Mr. President. Really, kind of astounding. Sounds like you need to be careful, though, Melania might get jealous.

DJT: She’ll be fine. She’s used to it. Nobody knows more about what’s best than the beautiful, brilliant, multilingual, First Lady. Remember her really great “Be Best” initiative? Wasn’t the something? She knows what be best.

Me: Speaking of the First Lady, how is she feeling about your reelection?

DJT: She’s very upbeat, very excited. She can’t wait to get back to the White House that she loves so much so she can rip up that terrible Rose Garden and plan her incredible Christmas decorations.

Me: I remember a lot of people made fun of the decorations, particularly the blood-red Christmas trees that resembled the cloaks worn by women in “The Handmaid’s Tale” What does she have planned this time around?

DJT: Nobody knows more about decorating than Melania. Like, she knows that red and green are really big, important, powerful Christmas colors, so she’s planning on decorations that match the color of her beautiful “I Don’t Really Care, Do You?” jacket.

Me: I’d like to ask you a few questions about your foreign policy plans. As you know, wars are raging all around the world and some of the most powerful countries are threatening others. The Middle East and Ukraine are in flames. What do you plan to do to address these problems?

DJT: The world was completely peaceful when I was president. Not a single gun was fired, except in the United States where law-abiding citizens were exercising their 2nd Amendment rights and brave police officers were gunning down the rapists and murderers and gang members who have invaded our beautiful suburbs. Sure, sometimes there was some collateral damage, but the American people want to feel safe and secure, so we’re really going to go after the bad hombres now. When Sleepy Joe and Lying Kamala were in power, it was a total disaster here in the Homeland and in foreign lands, too. Only I can solve it. It might take me as long as a week, but I will have peace in the Middle East and Ukraine and we will rebuild very, very quickly.

Me: Can you expand on that a bit?

DJT: Sure. If you look at a map, there is lots of really good beachfront property available in both areas. It’s a smart developer’s wet dream. In Ukraine, you have all that beautiful Black Sea waterfront property ready for condos and golf courses. When Putin takes back Eastonia, Latvia, and Lithuania, that opens up the Baltic Sea, too. Same thing in the Middle East. The whole Gaza Strip is on the Mediterranean! Plus, Putin and Netanyahu have already leveled a lot of the industrial sites and old apartment buildings, so that will save a lot of money on demolition. The rubble can be carted away by the many, many unemployed laborers desperate for work. They’ll work for next to nothing, so there will be incredible cost savings there, too. Supply and demand. The free market at work. It’s a beautiful thing to see.

Me: You seem to be pretty close to Putin and Netanyahu, and North Korea’s Kim Jong Un and Hungary’s Viktor Orbán. Do you have any special plans with them?

DJT: Like me, they’re all very strong. Very tough and strong and powerful and great manly leaders. I can’t tell you everything we have in the works, but let’s just say I envision a very tough and manly meeting with them all in the very near future where we will discuss manly things and be very manly and tough together.

Me: You’ve talked a lot about deporting “illegals” who have “invaded” America. Will that include workers at Mar-a-Lago?

DJT: There are no illegals at Mar-a-Lago and even if there are—which there aren’t—I have no idea how they got their jobs there. I leave it to my people to do the hiring. I am a big picture guy. I leave the details to others.

Me: Who will handle the mass deportation details?

DJT: Stephen Miller is on top of that. Great guy. Fun guy. So much fun to be around. Really funny and so kind, but really tough and manly, too! Loves the work. Always has a big, satisfied grin on his face. He’ll do a great job. Amazingly, he also has a really hot wife. I guess some women just like the baldies. But that’s okay. Not everyone can have beautiful, thick hair like me.

Me: You’ve said climate change is a hoax, but climate scientists say the Earth is warmer than ever and that catastrophic storms are increasing in frequency and intensity. Are they wrong?

DJT: Of course they are. The Fake News and pointy-headed, government scientists are panicking because the temperature is up what, one, two degrees? That’s San Diego weather. Eight-two one day, eighty-four the next. Big deal. And even if it is getting a little hotter, so what? Think about all the wheat we could grow in Siberia or corn in the Arctic, right next to the big, beautiful oil rigs that we’re going to build there.

Me: You’ve been very critical of the “woke” left, calling them Fascists and Communists and Socialists. Could you explain the differences between Fascism, Communism, and Socialism?

DJT. No. Next question.

Me: Before the election was called in your favor, you were suggesting that there were some voting shenanigans going on in Pennsylvania. Did you find evidence of voter fraud there?

DJT: Absolutely not. The election was free and fair all across the country. It’s amazing how quickly the many, many problems that let the cheating Democrats steal the election just four years ago have all been fixed. This was the fairest election in American history, by far. No question. Every single vote was counted correctly. Every single one. I won, bigly.

Me: One final question. Could you please tell me what “Covfefe” means?

DJT: Sure. Just sign this loyalty oath and I’ll let you know.